A good one from my sister...
This was posted on FB by my sister :-
I am a woman, and I have PMS & GPS,
this means,
I am a Bitch, and I WILL find you !!!!
I am a woman, and I have PMS & GPS,
this means,
I am a Bitch, and I WILL find you !!!!
Open Letter to the PM
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please tell everyone you know.
Also………..
Let's put the pensioners in jail - and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to tell someone about this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please tell everyone you know.
Also………..
Let's put the pensioners in jail - and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to tell someone about this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!
Because I'm a man....
Hey both of you – what about this one!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling the AA is not an option... I WILL win.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed
and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do. So,
for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find things like exotic cheeses or tofu. For all
I know, they are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
sex, sports, or sex. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
And, if you're feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly
remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too... either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it.
Everything looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2011, I
will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden
with a beer in my hand, wondering what to do.
(This has been a public service message for women
to better understand men.)
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling the AA is not an option... I WILL win.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed
and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do. So,
for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find things like exotic cheeses or tofu. For all
I know, they are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
sex, sports, or sex. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
And, if you're feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly
remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too... either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it.
Everything looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2011, I
will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden
with a beer in my hand, wondering what to do.
(This has been a public service message for women
to better understand men.)
Who screwed the world then?
The Story of Noah in 2011
In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said unto him “ Once again the earth has become wicked and over populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans”. He gave him the CAD drawings, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark before I will start unending rain for 40 days and nights”.
Six months later the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no sign of the Ark he had asked him to build.
“Noah” he roared “I’m about to start the rain. Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me Lord” said Noah “ but things have changed since I first built an Ark. I need Building Regulations Approval. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view, it is a temporary structure. We had to appeal to the Secretary of State and await a decision.
Before starting building the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear a passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them this would not be necessary as the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have preservation orders on them and we live in a site of special scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go.
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued that the accommodation was sub-standard and too restrictive, and it was Cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space. The Fire Brigade have been arguing that I need to install a sprinkler system.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build an Ark until they had conducted an environmental study into the impact of your proposed flood.
I’m still trying to resolve the complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commision on how many BME’s I am supposed to hire for my building team. The Trade Union’s say I cannot use my sons, and insist I hire only CSCS accredited workers with previous Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise have seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So forgive me Lord, but it will take at least another ten years for me to finish the Ark”.
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked “Do you mean you are not going to destroy the world?”
“No point” said the Lord; “the Government have beaten me to it”.
In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said unto him “ Once again the earth has become wicked and over populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans”. He gave him the CAD drawings, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark before I will start unending rain for 40 days and nights”.
Six months later the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no sign of the Ark he had asked him to build.
“Noah” he roared “I’m about to start the rain. Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me Lord” said Noah “ but things have changed since I first built an Ark. I need Building Regulations Approval. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view, it is a temporary structure. We had to appeal to the Secretary of State and await a decision.
Before starting building the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear a passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them this would not be necessary as the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have preservation orders on them and we live in a site of special scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go.
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued that the accommodation was sub-standard and too restrictive, and it was Cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space. The Fire Brigade have been arguing that I need to install a sprinkler system.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build an Ark until they had conducted an environmental study into the impact of your proposed flood.
I’m still trying to resolve the complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commision on how many BME’s I am supposed to hire for my building team. The Trade Union’s say I cannot use my sons, and insist I hire only CSCS accredited workers with previous Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise have seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So forgive me Lord, but it will take at least another ten years for me to finish the Ark”.
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked “Do you mean you are not going to destroy the world?”
“No point” said the Lord; “the Government have beaten me to it”.
A Beer before it starts...
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair,
Turned on the TV, and said to his wife,
“Quick bring me a beer before it starts”
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he had finished it, he said,
“Quick, bring me another one, its gonna start”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer.
When it was gone, he said,
“Quick, get me another beer before it starts”.
“That’s it”, she blows her top.
“You lazy git!!! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don’t even say hello to me, and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don’t you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long???”
The husband sighs and says, “Oh shit, its started”.
One from our readers.....
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims:If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!' More sighs and loud Applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, Stands and announces with a smile, If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.' There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,
F##k him !!!!! ..... thanks to one of the female residents of Norfolk for this intrusion into our lives.....
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
He said….
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: ‘Nothing’
Wife: ‘Nothing! You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date…’
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem dissappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and power-ful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
She said……
Wife:'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices ?'
Wife: 'Yes or No.'
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?’
‘Honey’ the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you,
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
He said….
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: ‘Nothing’
Wife: ‘Nothing! You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date…’
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem dissappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and power-ful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
She said……
Wife:'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices ?'
Wife: 'Yes or No.'
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?’
‘Honey’ the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you,
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights..
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited !!!
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights..
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited !!!
Its dangerous when I'm bored, so I've been thinking :-
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Did you ever wonder why you visited this site in the first place?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Did you ever wonder why you visited this site in the first place?